It’s pouring outside right now, and I feel like the weather is the only thing that understands how I feel. Here I sit in my cubicle. I want to curl up in a ball and never uncurl. I can feel the backs of my eyes burning with a desire to cry, but I can’t because I’m at work.
Have just had a last exchange with my mother. And it needs to be my last exchange with her. I can’t keep doing this anymore.
From start to finish: Continue reading
I thought we were done. With Thanksgiving, Christmas and all birthdays out of the way, I thought I was in the clear for another nine months.
Oh no. No. No, I was not.
Instead, my NM sent me the following email:
Just wanted to say Hi.
Is it still in your best interest for us to stay away from each other?
I still love my daughter and hope you are doing great.
After the past several years of her push-pull dynamic, I’m so tired of it I don’t have the energy to be properly angry. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pissed. Just in a tired kind of way.
I forward most of my NM’s emails to my therapist because quite frankly, I think she should know. After more than 30 years of not being able to prove the crazy shit that my mother says and does, it’s a nice change of pace. Incidentally, this is one of the main reasons my NM is restricted to email.
It kinda makes my day when my therapist calls me and leaves me a voicemail messaging saying, “This is one of the strangest emails she’s ever sent you.”
Validation: not just for breakfast anymore.
She got me. I should have known better. Really, I should have. But she got me.
Her birthday is in October. Mine is in December. In September, she emailed me and asked me to not send her a birthday gift. She felt like she couldn’t reciprocate because my stepfather has been out of work for over a year and their funds are tight.
Fair enough. I chose to respond because it seemed like a legitimate communication and reasonable request.
I respected her request and did not send her a birthday gift.
Then, a few days ago, she emails me that despite their financial hardships, she is going to send something small anyway.
I respond to let her know not to worry about it because my husband and I are traveling for several weeks; we won’t be home to get it. So she agrees. Her exact response being, “Ok”.
I thought that was the end of it. I was so wrong.
Not 24 hours later, I got the following email.
Back in September, my NM emailed me to not send her a birthday gift because my stepfather is still out of work and she wouldn’t be able to reciprocate.
Okay. Fair enough.
I asked if this extended to Christmas. She wasn’t sure because he had some interviews and she was still hopeful, so she basically said, “We’ll see. I’ll get back to you.”
Okay. Fair enough.
Truth be told, it was the most civilized, positive, productive communication we’ve had in about five years.
Today I get the following email: Continue reading
First, there’s the NM…
My mother emailed me again. This time, it was more than a handful of condescending words that made my brain boil.
Hi Erica it’s your mum just wanted to say I love you miss you terribly and think of you often I hope you’re having a great time I love you dearly
I was in a good mood. Didn’t experience any emotion at this new communication. And seeing as it included more words than her previous five emails combined, I decided to answer.
What can I say? Curiosity won out.
I really don’t even know what to think anymore. This morning NM called my husband on his cell phone to check on me. He texted me to let me know. According to NM, she’d had a “nightmare” last night that I was working as a waitress and that she just wanted to check to see if I was okay.
What. The. Fuck?
He responded that I was fine and then she said okay and goodbye. The call lasted all of 30 seconds.
For full context, I haven’t seen or spoken to my mother in over a year. This estrangement is pretty solid and, quite frankly, it’s made my life better.
So again…what the fuck?
Now, a couple of weeks ago, she emailed me twice in two days. Unusual, but nothing substantial, just “I love you.” One was from her personal email and the second was from her work email. It pissed me off for a couple of days, but hey, that’s why I have a therapist (we both suspect that she found out about her friend’s letter and that she was trying to see if it moved me; um, nope.)
I ignored both emails.
But now she’s calling my husband. For no real reason.