Last exchange. Rebroken.

It’s pouring outside right now, and I feel like the weather is the only thing that understands how I feel. Here I sit in my cubicle. I want to curl up in a ball and never uncurl. I can feel the backs of my eyes burning with a desire to cry, but I can’t because I’m at work.

Have just had a last exchange with my mother. And it needs to be my last exchange with her. I can’t keep doing this anymore.

From start to finish: 

HER:

Hi

Just wanted to say Hi

Is it still in your best interest for us to stay away from each other?

I still love my daughter and hope you are doing great.

Mom

ME: I require time to consider this.

HER: Ok

ME (one week later): What has changed to make you a healthy option?

HER:

I have not changed much. I have a deeper understanding of myself but I have not changed very much.

What has changed to make you a healthy option?

ME:

I didn’t figure you have. Personally, I have a much stronger sense of my value and will no longer participate in the abuse cycle. My boundaries are much more well developed.

When you are ready to work towards a healthy, mutually respectful, adult relationship, let me know and I will consider participating in a mediated reconciliation. But I will no longer tolerate being bullied and abused.

HER: 

I certainly agree that you have never deserved to be bullied or abused. I have always been ready for a mediate reconciliation. Who would you like as a mediator?

I am truly happy that you are stronger. If you need me to stay away so that you can continue, that I will do. I do not want your life to degrade or be sad in any way. As I have previously said, I stay away out of respect for your decision and how you feel. This is not a power play on my part at any level. I simply love my daughter. I check in once in a while to leave the door open so that should the time come we have a way to be family again. My goal is only that I get to see you and eat a bite and maybe a move. No more than that.

You have chosen a path that I may not be able to follow—that I need to respect. And I do.

Just let me know who you would like as a mediator and when is a good time for you. I will be there.

I love you . You are my daughter, you always will be.

I will still be here to help should you ever need me, but the body, that does not ever change for me.

ME: You ARE my bully and my abuser. If you haven’t changed much, and you state that you haven’t, you are not ready to participate in a healthy relationship with me.

HER: 

I had not considered that. I often felt bullied and threatened by you too. If I didn’t behave you would abandon me. It’s from my family of origin stuff.

[stepdad] did say that by sending you an email from time to time it too could be considered as a cyber abuse. I had not considered that either.

‘Twas not my intention.

I have never wanted to abuse you nor bully you. Certainly not cyber abuse either. Though I do miss you terribly at times. So.

As you have said, we would need a mediator to bridge our gap. I respect who ever you would want when you are ready.

It’s just important to me that you know my door is open. When ever you are ready, please let me know. No bullying no pushing—just an acceptance of you and your decisions is all I’m trying to say.

Your mom loves you. I’ll just keep this email address open (in case we have to move) so you can always find me.

If you want me to find a mediator, just let me know.

And that was the end of that. I haven’t responded, nor will I.

What strikes me are:

• She continues to deflect responsibility
• She states that she will not change
• She turns things back on me
• She plays the victim
• She plays dumb by stating that she hadn’t considered that she is my bully and abuser
• She tries to sidestep the abuse issue by bringing up cyber bullying (which I’ve never mentioned)
• She does not apologize in any way, at any point in this conversation
• She maintains her ‘take it or leave it’ stance
• She tries to lob a guilt bomb by casually mentioning “in case we have to move”
• She plays the victim
• She speaks in poetic language to avoid real conversation (ref: “journey I may not be able to follow”)
• She states time and again that she loves me and that I don’t deserve to be bullied and abused, but she still maintains that she will not change

In essence, it’s manipulation, mindfuckery and bullshit. This is her trying to hoover me. She wants to keep me engaged. She baited me. She prodded me. She got a response.

I’m proud of my response. I chose engagement to achieve certain goals. I wanted her statement that she will not change in writing (got it). I wanted to speak up clearly and assert my own voice (did it). I wanted to draw my final line in the sand (drew it). I also kept my responses short and to the point. I did not J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

However, even though I knew I was going to pay a price, I’d forgotten how many ‘channels’ she has. Victim, abuser, aggressor, oblivious, etc. And I’d forgotten how quickly she changes between them.

This is the longest, most intense conversation we’ve had in more than a year. I’d forgotten how quickly and passively she can inflict pain. Seriously, what’s the point of having a deeper understanding of her if she’s not willing to grow? I consider that just giving herself permission to be an asshole. And about that ‘journey’ I’m on that she may not be able to follow? I’m not going to the freaking Arctic.

I’m proud of myself and I got what I wanted, but I feel broken all over again.

Because of her staunch opposition to making changes (and by default, leaving it up to me to adapt to her), I see that I have two options:

1. Reenter a toxic relationship and keep being abused
2. Cut all ties and stuff all hope down the fucking drain

From this point on, having given it much thought, I am now full No Contact. No more responding to her emails. Ever. No sending cards, not even birthday or holidays. No sending Christmas gifts.

I feel broken again. Abandoned, rejected, misunderstood, abused. Like I’m not important enough to my own mother for her to just stop abusing me. To even consider the slightest behavioral change. Like I don’t matter to my own mother. My own mother. Once again, I’ve lost my own mother.

I keep reminding myself to breathe. And that today is no different than yesterday, and that I’ve survived being abandoned before. But it still hurts. And I know that it looks like I’m abandoning her, but I just can’t take her abuse anymore. Hell, she barely acknowledges, even passively, that there are problems on her end.

Given this latest (and last) exchange, combined with huge changes at work that might mean I should find a new job, I’m overwhelmed. My anxiety is through the roof. Depression is setting in. And I think my C-PTSD is flaring up.

I’m doing my best to take care of myself, but it’s getting so hard. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but I won’t have time until this weekend and even then, I’m probably going to have to put myself on the backburner to take care of my husband because he’ll likely have an anxiety attack due to a personal struggle of his. I love him. I need to care for him.

I feel broken.